I grew up in a Christian family, but my parents never told me about God's love....only about the punishment of Hell if I did anything wrong in my life. Every time I got into a fight with my sister, my parents told me I was "going to Hell". Every time I made a bad grade on my report card, I was "going to Hell". You get the picture.....
I stopped going to church when I was 12 years old. I always BELIEVED in God, and I knew that Jesus died for our sins-I knew the story about that...but because of my parents, I felt nothing but condemnation, and the judgment of Hell when I died. I was terrified of Hell.
When I was 17, I was told about a Nondenominational church, and the Holy Spirit led me there. I went up for the alter call, and I could not stop crying...the pastor gently touched my head and yelled out that I was filled with the Holy Spirit..... and I was out cold-fell out in the Spirit immediately. I woke up in love with God, and filled with peace. I had no idea what had happened to me.
I don't know if I was actually saved at that point or what-but I honestly don't think I really understood how to have a relationship with Jesus, because I fell away after 2 years.
I got out in the big, bad world and went downhill quickly from there. I never stopped believing in God, and I still prayed occasionally, but I was not following Him the way I was meant to.
My entire life, I have suffered from severe depression and Bipolar disorder, and very low self esteem because of how my parents always told me I was going to Hell whenever I did anything wrong.
October 2007, I broke down crying to God, begging forgiveness, and asking Him to change my life. All I can say is that at that time, something DRAMATIC happened to me. I heard/felt God say to me...."You will be in Heaven with Me...I have great plans for you!" Yes, I heard this!
Immediately, all my sins became completely hateful....the drinking, drugs, watching porno, cussing.....I simply could not do it anymore....it was like it hurt God! I remember my husband and I used to love to watch Southpark....and he asked me to watch it with him, and I sat down and I could not watch it-I ran out of the room when the characters started cussing and making fun of God. It HURT!
I cried with the tremendous amount of love in myself for other people. I wanted everyone to know this love! All I thought about was how awesome God is! I would look at a leaf, and start crying because God had made it!
I felt a "connection" with God. I felt like I was connected to a "vine" or something, reaching to Heaven. I would have laid down my life at that moment, to die for Jesus...no questions asked.
This sounds crazy, but I saw visions of Jesus for an entire week in October 2007. He was walking next to me, and in front of me, everywhere I went. The Bible says that people can see visions......and I did.
I had incredible peace in me! I loved everyone! I felt like this world was NOT my real home-that I simply did not belong here anymore.
I could not stop reading the Bible also.....I wrote hundreds and hundreds of verses on index cards, and bought Bibles in every translation I could find-I was obsessed with reading the Bible!
I'd go to church, and tears would stream down my face during worship and the sermon. I was up at the alter every single Sunday, just wanting to be closer and closer to God.
For the first time in my life, I felt like I was part of a big happy family! I'd go out and if anyone needed anything, I'd be the first one to help out.
I would be going about my business, and all of a sudden, I would have this very strong urge to pray for someone.....it was like I couldn't NOT do it! I'd have to go somewhere private and drop to my knees and pray-the urge was that strong.
All I know how to describe this is that I was "enlightened" to God......I had literally "tasted the goodness of God" He is all I want. I had become "open" to the spiritual world of God. Everything about me was different.
Ok, so this was all in October 2007. These changes in me grew less and less every day......I FOUGHT to keep that "connection" with God. I fought to "feel" that closeness with God again. Every day it grew less and less.
I cannot understand why. Yes, I know that we do not rely on FEELINGS, but faith instead....this is different though....it is a strong desire to be as far from God as possible. I don't understand how it happened, or why. Maybe I have just horrible spiritual warfare?
I still pray as often as I can. I still read my Bible constantly. I'm still in church twice a week.
But the joy and love that I felt for Jesus is gone now! I am starting to dread going to church, because I feel so evil next to other people, and I feel like I am just putting on an act, like a hypocrite.
My problem is inside. I do not have the "heart" that I used to have back then.
My heart has grown rock hard, and I have not grown as a Christian should.......I have a terror that I have lost my salvation. What's even worse is that at times, I hate being around other Christians-I cringe when they come up to me because I just don't fit in with them like I used to. I feel "bad" and "evil" next to them! I simply have no words to pray, and when other people ask me to pray for them, I tell them I will do it later, because I'm so scared of just going blank and not knowing what to say. And even worse, I don't CARE about praying for them anymore like I used to.
I am wondering if in fact, I was saved at all......but if not, then what on earth were all those wonderful things that happened to me-the love, the hate for sin, the obsession with reading the bible, the tears streaming down my face when I worship in church, the closeness I felt to God, the visions, the strong urge for intercession for other peole,etc. etc. I was a dramatically changed person overnight, in a spit second!
I have had many pastors lay hands on me and pray for me. I have gone through deliverance, and have been counseled by many Christians, but nothing has helped me.
I see other people who have become Christians long after me, who have been totally transformed in their hearts and attitudes. You can see the change in them.
I feel like I am trying to change myself....but I don't feel like I am filled with the Holy Spirit anymore at all, and I don't know what happened to me and IF I can get back to the point I was at in October 2007.
I am not sure if I believe in the "once saved, always saved" doctrine either, because there are a lot of verses that seems to prove otherwise.
If you are a MATURE Christian, and God has spoken to your heart and asked you to be my spiritual mentor, please help me. I will welcome all emails from people who are going through similar problems as well!
Thanks again!
I am looking for friendship only (I am married to an Agnostic man), and maybe someone to email, pray with me, and just help me have faith....all I want to do is follow Jesus and CHANGE, and have the joy that other Christians have. I don't have this.
Thank you for reading this long introduction! lol Hope to meet lots of people here!
View more of MPK1964's responses
Please describe your faith. How important is your faith to you?
All I want is to be closer to God. He created us to worship Him. Jesus is coming soon, and He we need to be ready!
I used to be very close to God, but my heart has grown hard. I am trying to change that.
Why is a Christian relationship so important to you?
Because I have experienced God's goodness. I have felt how incredible it is to be close to Him....I know that He is real, without a doubt.
Where did you grow up? Where have you traveled? What are some of your favorite places to visit?
I grew up in Arkansas. I have not traveled much at all-Florida and the Bahamas is about it. I enjoy visiting anywhere with a beach.
What are your favorite activities both at Church and outside?
I love the worship at church. My church has a great band, and the music is loud. I love learning about Jesus.
What is your day like? Describe your daily routine.
Work. That's about it!
What are some of your personal and spiritual goals?
To be closer to God.
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